Yesterday was the first time since Michael went into the hospital that I wasn’t able to visit him because of Snowmageddon. It gave me a chance to look into myself and study what I was finding.
It was so hard for me yesterday. I found myself laying around on the couch for the first time since this ordeal began. I just felt awful. Which is how I typically feel. I normally just find myself laying around doing nothing and feeling blah. I was able to discover last night what that “blah” feeling is.
I felt useless.
Since this whole thing with my brother began, I felt needed. Like I finally had some sort of a purpose. Yesterday, it was sort of taken from me by the snow. I couldn’t go and sit with him. I couldn’t go and help in the minor, insignificant ways that I typically do (the meaningless ways that yet somehow have given me this odd sense of purpose). So… I just laid there, feeling exhausted and drained. I napped for a short while (which was probably good, because I’m definitely emotionally exhausted).
I then went about trying to work on Michael’s main Christmas present, which was just… not working. I was tired, and frustrated, and feeling useless, and I just… yeah. The stress and frustration was nearly unbearable. So I took an anti-anxiety pill and that helped with all that, but without all that added emotion, I realized how drained and exhausted I am. I was able to do some work on it before going to bed to get to work this morning.
In short, I’ve discovered (or rather “re-discovered”, as it’s really something I already knew) that I need to find my purpose in life. That is basically what I was hoping to find through changing myself through the project. Realizations are always beneficial, as they bring us closer to solutions. So as of this time, I don’t have any solutions… but realizations are the start of personal growth, so I thought it would be beneficial to post about it.
Becoming Fantasy © Stephen Marra 2010
